


count to ten, take it in

by dizzy



Series: we're all dying anyway 2019 daily fic advent [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:09:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21659569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: "The emo friends I made at this time were awesome. We just used to hang and make out with each other and listen to music and drink bottles of Smirnoff Ice [...] with no judgement."Prompt: Dan at fifteen with his emo friends.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Original Male Character(s)
Series: we're all dying anyway 2019 daily fic advent [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1559167
Comments: 22
Kudos: 138





	count to ten, take it in

The forest is cold enough that Dan needs the jacket he's got pulled tight around his shoulders, but not so cold that any of them have given any thought to going home. He'd really rather freeze out here than be toasty warm inside his house, listening to his mum and dad shout each other or - even more likely - shout at him. 

"Oi, Howell," Matt says, sitting on the log by Dan. "You going to drink that, or just stare at it?" 

The way Matt teases him makes Dan feel warmer than the lukewarm beer he's got clutched in his hand. "Dunno," Dan says. "Tastes like horse piss, so staring is definitely an option." 

Matt throws back his head and laughs heartily. His hair is black with streaks of green and it's probably the coolest thing Dan's ever seen. 

He wonders what his mum would say if Dan put streaks of color in his hair. She might not care, he reckons. She was a punk, according to his grandma. She probably sat outside in the woods at night drinking cheap alcohol and breathing in the smell of the spliffs that keep getting passed around. 

"Try this," Matt says, and presses the bottle he's been holding into Dan's hands. 

Dan doesn't even look at it before he lifts it to his mouth and takes a sip, a thrill running down his spine knowing that his mouth is where Matt's just was. 

Candy sweet explodes on his tongue, chasing the bitterness away. 

*

Dan isn't sure who mentions truth or dare first, but he either ways to hug them or punch them. 

(Not punch, though. Not really. Dan doesn't punch people. He's the one people punch.)

He doesn't even know half the people here. He doesn't want to tell them any of his secrets, but... he does want to know theirs. So he tries to strategically sit back away from the main circle, opting even for the ground so he can hopefully cast himself in shadows more. 

It works, for a while. Long enough for him to find out a handful of not-so-secret crushes, witness two prank phone calls, and find out someone's most embarrassing moment from school. 

It's mildly interesting. Dan doesn't even go to school with half of these people - only a few of the boys, none of the girls. He's hung out with them a few times now though and he's liked everyone he's talked to, and somehow - miracle of miracles - they've seemed to like him as well. 

*

Truth or Dare gives way to something that involves a lot less truth, a lot more dare, and somehow drinking on every round no matter what. 

It definitely makes it more interesting. Dan shifts, his ass numb and cold against the ground, but doesn't even think of moving. Not when he's watching two boys lean in, their mouths meeting barely a two feet in front of him. It does something twisty to his gut, watching the glisten of a tongue low in firelight, hearing the giggles from all around the circle, watching the way their eyes are shut and their lips are moving. 

He clutches his beer with both hands, positioned over his lap. His heart races and he wonders what his turn has in store for him. 

* 

The game ends before he gets a turn. 

He's not sure how he feels about that. 

Partly relieved; who he kissed would have likely been outside of his control and he's not sure he likes that. 

But he's disappointed, too. He thinks about those two boys taking their turn. He's not even sure if they're really like him or not. It didn't seem to matter, during the game. Everyone kissed everyone and something about the casual acceptance of it makes Dan's stomach feel like it's full of bees buzzing around. 

"Hey," Matt says, sitting by Dan again. 

They're both on the ground this time. He sits closer than he had before. 

"Hey," Dan says. 

He's not drinking beer anymore. He's drunk for sure already and he doesn't want to end up being sick. He wants these people to like him. He wants them to think he's cool and keep inviting him back. 

"You didn't get picked for the game," Matt points out. 

"Um, yeah." Dan laughs an awkward laugh and shrugs. "Guess not." 

"Me either," Matt says. He takes a drink of the white bottle he's still got in his grasp. 

Maybe he sounds just the tiniest bit nervous, too. 

"You wanted a turn?" Dan asks. "They might play again." 

Probably not. People are starting to drift off into pairs - or little groups. Some of them are already horizontal and it makes Dan's face heat up. He's glad it's so dark, and that Matt probably can't see that weird red patch on his cheek with the only light being an already tinted warm from the fire. 

"Nah," Matt says. He rubs the bottom of the bottle against the ground, making little patterns in the dirt. "Didn't really want to snog just anyone." 

Dan's mouth goes dry. "Oh?" 

"Yeah." Matt tilts his head over at Dan. The green in his hair looks so cool. "Really only wanted a turn if it landed on you." 

The bees turn into little knots of lead and Dan's stomach drops then flips inside out. "Me?" He asks, breathless. "Are you-"

Dan's never kissed a boy before. He's never really kissed anyone outside of clumsy first attempts in grade six, doing what he thought he should be doing because boys that snog girls don't get kicked and punched around for being gay. 

Or at least, that'd been his hope. 

Matt shrugs one shoulder. He looks effortlessly cool doing it, but his eyes give him away a bit. "I'm whatever. You know. I'm not into labels." 

Dan has no idea what that's supposed to mean but he says, "Yeah. Me too." 

That must be good enough for Matt, because Matt grins. "Wanna go somewhere a little more private?" 

Dan nods. Matt stands up and holds a hand down. It's smaller than Dan's own when Dan takes it, but the grip is firm and he lets Matt help him to his feet. 

They don't go that far back, just enough so that they aren't in the middle of the clearing. Matt puts an arm around Dan when they sit back down and before Dan can even say a word, Matt's leaning in. 

It's a soft kiss at first but it turns open and wet faster than Dan expected. He feels like his head is caught in a whirlwind and he hopes he's not too shit of a kisser. Matt isn't complaining at least, leaning into Dan and making satisfied sounds. 

Dan doesn't know how long they make out for. He just knows that his lips are numb and his jeans are far too tight when they stop. 

"Wow," Matt says, breathless sounding in the same way Dan feels. He leans back and pushes his hair out of his eyes. 

"Yeah." Dan laughs a little. 

Then he leans back in. 

*

Dan leaves an hour later. 

His parents might not give too much of a shit about him but he knows they do expect him home at some point, and it's already well past midnight.

Matt kisses him goodbye and says, "This was fun, Howell." 

"Yeah." Dan stares at Matt waiting for Matt to say something else. 

Matt doesn't. 

Dan waits, again, this time for disappointment to set in. 

It doesn't. 

He contemplates that as he walks back home alone. Matt's fit and cute but Dan isn't sure what he'd do with something that felt like solid interest from another boy in him. The idea of pressure and expectation make him want to be sick. He can't be a boy that likes boys during the light of day and still survive this shit life he's stuck living. He can't fathom telling his parents or having people at school know and talk about him. He doesn't know what made tonight so different. 

It's the moonlight, he decides eventually, just as his house comes into view. He steps a little faster, tired now with the thought of bed soon to come and with the tenuous resolution he's making in his mind. 

He can be whatever he wants in the moonlight, he can kiss who he wants, and it won't fucking matter. He can be himself there, even if he can't anywhere else.


End file.
